Being Torn Apart

I woke up from a dream that left me groaning for about an hour or so. It wasn’t a dream; it was one of those nightmares that happen to me in very random points in my life.

I was on the road about to go home, yet someone grabbed me by the arm and knocked me unconscious. Then I woke up to this room. Beside me were people chained up, all bloodied. Then a man came up to me and mocked me in foul words. After he finished, he took a knife and pointed it at me. But he first went into this woman beside me and suddenly slit her shoulder. The woman screamed and I trembled.

The evil man looked at me and crawled towards me. I tried to run yet he caught me and slashed my arm. It was excruiatingly painful. I tried to fight back, yet the evil man continued to stab, punch, kick and grab me. I became bloodied; there was blood all over my body. I was so helpless, like the people beside me.

Then, I bowed my head down, and moaned, “Panginoon…” (“Lord…”). I sobbed and pleaded to the Lord, while the evil man continued to torture me. Suddenly, everything became silent. The evil man was gone. Everything was set aglow. Then I woke up in my bed, having a terrible headache, and continued to sob and moan, “Panginoon… Panginoon…”

That experience really made me felt I was torn apart. I ask, “Lord, what is this I am going through? I don’t understand.”

He lead me to this passage:

Jeremiah 13:22-27 CEV

Do you know why your clothes were torn off and you were abused? It was because of your terrible sins.

Can you ever change and do what’s right? Can people change the color of their skin, or can a leopard remove its spots? If so, then maybe you can change and learn to do right.

I will scatter you, just as the desert wind blows husks from grain tossed in the air.

I won’t change my mind. I, the LORD, have spoken. You rejected me and worshiped false gods.

You were married to me, but you were unfaithful. You even became a prostitute by worshiping disgusting gods on hilltops and in fields.

So I’ll rip off your clothes and leave you naked and ashamed for everyone to see. You are doomed! Will you ever be worthy to worship me again?


I could not help but cry. Why have I been so proud of myself, took pleasure of myself, sinning secretly? Lord, I don’t want to be destroyed!

Then, God lead me to the Proverbs:

Father, I want to give up all my selfish desires, the desires of the flesh, the desire for fame, the desire for sexual pleasures, the desire to become someone else I am not… I just want to follow You. You made me whole and I want to make a difference.

Help me Lord. You mercy is enough. Your grace is enough.






Yes, I was labeled this way.

And I admit it.

When I was younger, people around me didn’t understand the person inside me – an introvert.

I feel like I was from another planet. I could not conform to worldly patterns, to global trends, to current fashions. But I thought that was a good thing. Many of the patterns I witnessed were very harmful to me. With that, I believe someone intervened for me.

Indeed it was a hard journey being a person of introversion. I’m more recharged when I’m alone, or with someone who understands my condition.

Someday, they will know the reason why.